1 post tagged “my history as a gay”

All of the gays get the question from almost everyone they get to know, eventually:  when did you know?  I think most of us probably answer instinctually that we've "always known," which I guess is true in a way, but based on my own experience, for most of the early years it was more a knowledge of what I didn't want and who I wasn't than what I did want and who I was.  I do have that golden moment when it all hit me in an instant, but we'll get to that later.  For now we'll focus on my early years, what I think of as my "pre-Fat Farmer" days.

I knew from pretty early on that I wasn't like most of the other boys. At the time I don't think I was really conscious of it, but it was clear I was on a different path.  It's not like I was playing dress up with my mom's clothes or playing with dolls - I never had any interest in any of that - it was more subtle.  While all the boys in the neigborhood were into skateboarding, I prefered roller skates.  While my brother and the neighborhood gang were building ramps and doing death-defying leaps on their boards, I was off to the side spinning circles and coreographing routines on my skates.  All the boys wanted dirt bikes and I wanted a ten-speed.  At recess, while the boys all went off to play an aggressive game of "socko," I preferred to hang out on the swings and monkey bars with the girls, or even worse, to play "house" under the trailers with Susan Garza and her friends.  Of course, I never played the dad, I was usually the dog, or a son.  I like to think that I wasn't the type of kid that everyone pointed at, saying "that kid is going to be gay."  And I think that for the most part, I wasn't sticking out like a sore pink thumb.  And I certainly didn't spend my years at Lafayette Elementary school fantasizing over boys - it's just that I didn't do it over girls, either, ever.

There are memories of "moments," though.  I still clearly remember the funny feelings I had at one cub scout swim party.  It was going to be at Chip McNeil's house.  I don't think it really registered with me at the time, but looking back, Chip McNeil was one of the most beautiful - and popular boys in third grade.  Actually, he was the hot guy from first grade all the way through high school, where he was prom king.  Believe me, after I knew what I was after, Chip was a frequent flyer in my fantasy world.  But back in third grade, I obviously didn't have any sexual feelings towards Chip.  I wasn't "in love" with him, I didn't want to kiss him, or anything like that.  But I do remember how I just wanted to be with him.  I wanted him to like me, to be my friend, but for the most part, Chip and his gang steered pretty clear of me.  But thanks to the cub scouts, he was forced to spend this tuesday afternoon with me.  And since he and I were the only two from Lafayette Elementary in our cub scout group, our moms had agreed that I'd walk home from school with Chip, to his house, for the pool party.  And boy, was I excited about this.  If I remember correctly, it wasn't a lively conversation we were having.  A little small talk, but Chip didn't seem nearly as excited as I was.  Looking back, I'm sure he complained to all his friends about having to hang out with me after school, as I am sure he also made clear that this was being forced on him. 

Things got really wierd in my mind when we got to the McNeil's house.  None of the other scouts were there yet, but Mrs. McNeil suggested that we go up to Chip's room and change into our swim suits.  We got upstairs to Chip's room and he closed the door.  We looked at each other, and something was going on with me.  To this day, I can't describe the feeling, but something about the prospect of getting naked with Chip was doing wacky things to me.  I was scared.  I was curious.  I was happy.  I was nervous.  I wanted it to happen, but I didn't want it to happen.  And it honestly wasn't that I was excited about being naked with him.  I didn't pop a little boner or anything.  I was simply excited that this step, getting naked with Chip McNeil, would mean we were friends.  It would make me closer to him than I had been to any of my other friends.  I mean my best friend Rick Blakeny and I never changed in front of each other.  I'd never seen Rick naked.  So this was big time for me!  And it seemed like this moment lasted for ages.  Each of us gripping our swim suit, looking at each other, avoiding looking at each other, waiting for the other to start undressing.  And then it happened.  Chip said I could use the bathroom down the hall to change and he would change in his room.  I'm not sure what I felt, but I know I felt sad.  And when he shut his bedroom door as I headed down the hall to the bathroom, it was the first of many doors to shut on my prospects for happiness in the years to come.

That takes us through the third grade.  And the Chip McNeil incident pretty much sums up what being "gay" at that age meant for me.  It was confused in my mind with being popular, with being accepted by the popular boys (who of course, though I didn't register this at the time, were all the most attractive boys).  It's like the gayness was living under the guise of popularity.  Consciously, I wanted to be part of the "in" crowd, while subconcsiously I wanted the in crowd to embrace me - literally!  So the very thing that was driving my need to be popular was the exact thing that was driving them away from me, making me toxic to them.  How is an 8 year old supposed to deal with this mess?  And to think there are people who say we choose this.